Flawed (Journal)

I have many flaws, but the most glaring is my constant begging of no when my Master issues a command. It happened again the other night at the Paga Den. He told me to prepare myself for usage, and in my panic I begged piteously, 'No, Master!' No sooner than the words slipped from my lips had I realized my transgression. I wanted to suck the words back into my mouth, and swallow them hard, but it was to late.

Again duty has called him away, and I am left to wonder what my punishment will be; my angst clinging to me like a spider's web. Why did I not think before I tried to deny him of what he wanted?! It wasn't the fear of being used in the Paga Den, this I have been through before, but it was the thought of those that were present. I feared being humiliated in front of the scribe, and his slave Madeline.

Perhaps I have not completely submitted myself fully to what my Master has in earnest tried to mold me into; a wanton whore who writhes at the sight of him...that will do anything he commands. Why can I not take the full plunge into my slavery? I thought I had, but on further examination I find that I have been fooling myself.

I am aware of what he can do to me. Like no Master before him he drives me to such sublime heights. It isn't only what he can do to me physically, but emotionally. Yes, he makes my pulse race a million miles a minute with the mere sight of him, but it is knowing that he can command me with a look that makes my insides quiver with anticipation.

After long soul searching, and meditation I have finally decided it is time to server that last thread which seems to bind me to my old sensibilities. I must cut myself free, and tumble into the abyss of my Master's will. I will become what he has fought so hard to make me. Fully, and without looking back I will no longer think of myself as a slave that was once a scribe, but merely as a slave that was created for the pleasure of men.

How many times have I confessed that the Priest Kings made me purposely for him to mold to his vision of perfection? It is time that I let my Master finish his work, and revel in his final creation.